Symphony ^beta

My thing… it’s a little…

There are these books, on the internet—not books books, but like, stories, um, unofficial stories people write about characters in TV shows and stuff—-

okay, I can’t do this. My name is McKenzie and I’m addicted to fanfiction. Well. Fighting over fanfiction, mostly.

IT STARTED WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY

A HORRID DAY

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY

YOU SEE, A MOTHER’S LAP

SHOULD BE HER DAUGHTER’S SAFETY

A RETURNING TO THAT WHICH CREATES

THE WOMB INSIDE RED LIKE THE PAINT OF HIS CAR WHEN HE DROVE AWAY

THICK, SUFFOCATING DUST IN THE SCORCHING SUNSET

BECAUSE IGREWUPINARIZONA AND THEREISNOMERCYINTHATKINDOFHEAT—-

Sorry, let me know if I talk too fast, 

sometimes I can’t tell—-

THE DAUGHTER SHOULD SEEK COMFORT FROM THE MATERNAL

Or so they say in that stupid outdated psychology book I read. I dropped out of school because all I could focus on was watching my favorite show and talking about it online. I had a full-ride scholarship to Bennington! And I let it go! It’s—-

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT FOR FAR TOO LONG

UNTIL THE MATERNAL STARTED TO RESEMBLE A FORMER HAVEN

WITH A CAVED-IN ROOF 

WITH A DOOR LOCKED TWELVE TIMES OVER

WITH WINDOWS BROKEN BY A TERRIFIED YOUNG BOY ON A DARE

HE DIDN'T COME HOME THAT FIRST NIGHT 

SO IT WAS SAFE TO TAKE A SHOWER

AND I STARED AT MYSELF IN THE TOWEL

AND I STARED AT MYSELF IN THE REFLECTION OF THE SHOWER HANDLE

I STARED AT MYSELF AFTER SPENDING TWO HOURS APPLYING MAKEUP FOR A SCHOOL DANCE I WAS TOO EXHAUSTED TO GO TO

I STARED AT MYSELF AT EVERY ANGLE

AND ALL I SAW WAS THE HAIR ON HIS ARMS

THE STUBBLE ON HIS CHIN

THE SCARS ON HIS BACK FROM THE ACCIDENT 

THE INCISOR THAT WAS JUST LITTLE BIT LONGER 

THAN ITS COUNTERPART 

AND I SAW MYSELF 

FLOATING AROUND IN THE THROES OF A DUST STORM

BLINDED

It’s funny, because now I might actually be going blind—-I think it’s funny, like, maybe it’s my punishment?

I SAW MYSELF 

INVERTED OUT OF THE FUTURE

RESURRECTED FROM THE GRAVE

AFTER TOUCHING THE RIVERS 

THE CLOUDS

THE WINDS AND RAINS OF HEAVEN

I always imagined Heaven had weather too, you know? If you want Heaven to give you harmless rainy days, it will. My mom taught me that.

I REALIZED I WAS RUINED WHOLLY

BROKEN SOLELY

BECAUSE OF ONE MAN’S RED HHR

THE TINY USELESS VEHICLE WE’D LATER SELL FOR A MERE $5000

AND A CARWASH COUPON

AND OUR DIGNITY

SO I STOOD UP

AND I WENT TO MY ROOM

MY HOVEL

MY HOVEL

MY LITTLE PIT

MY LITTLE DENT IN THE SKIN

I TURNED ON THE COMPUTER 

I STARED INTO THE SCREEN 

CLICK CLICK 

HELP!

CLICK CLICK

HELP!

AND THERE IT WAS

THERE IT WAS

THERE WAS MY PAIN

FOR ALL TO SEE

WRAPPED IN A TRIANGULAR GIFT BOX

WITH EACH SIDE REPRESENTING A DREAM

AND A LABEL NEXT TO IT IN ARIAL BOLD

THAT READ “YOU CAN ONLY PICK TWO

CHOOSE WISELY”

AND HE WAS SO YOUNG

I WAS BARELY OLDER THAN HIM

AND I COULD NEVER IMAGINE MYSELF 

WANTING OR BEING WANTED

AND HE WAS SO YOUNG 

I WAS BARELY ABLE TO KEEP

MY HANDS FROM SHAKING 

MY STOMACH FROM SPILLING

MY BLOOD FROM MARKING THE FLOOR

WITH DNA EVIDENCE

THEY HAD PAINTED HIM 

DANCING SLOW IN A TIGHT EMBRACE

WITH WICKEDNESS 

WITH EVIL

WITH SOMEONE 

LIKE

INFINITY YEARS OLDER THAN HIM

INHUMAN

NEVER HUMAN

INHUMAN

I mean, that’s disgusting, right? So I made a post on my blog to

distract myself. I didn’t want to throw up or panic or become someone else or.. remember. I typed. I typed.

AND THEN I STARTED GETTING ANGRY

SO ANGRY 

TOO ANGRY

I MEAN FUCK THIS

WHOEVER DREW THIS IS SUCH A CREEP

I MEAN IT MAKES ME SICK

DANCING

IS CODE FOR WRESTLING IS CODE FOR

VIOLATING

THEY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE

HOW COULD THEY IF THEY DREW THIS?

I THINK THEY SHOULD GO TO JAIL

DONT YOU GUYS AGREE?

DONT YOU AGREE?

DONT YOU AGREE?

PLEASE TELL ME YOU AGREE

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DONT HATE ME

OR WANT ME TO DIE

OR THINK I DESERVED IT

All the while I was secretly intrigued by some of the lighter stuff, but it hurt at the same time. It really hurt. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

AND THEN

A SMALL MESSAGE 

SHORTLY AFTER THE INFECTION

A SMALL MESSAGE 

WITH A SMALL LITTLE PARENTHESES NUMERAL ONE END PARENTHESES IN A CHAT BUBBLE

EXHALED FROM THE MOUTH OF THE LITTLE CARTOON FACE

“I KNOW RIGHT

IT’S DISGUSTING 

IF I WAS A VAMPIRE 

OR A GHOST

OR A PSYCHIC

I WOULD TOTALLY HAUNT THEM

I WOULD EAT THEM UP

WITH MY TEETH WHICHIFILEDDOWJUSTFORYOU

JUST FOR YOU

JUST TO KEEP YOU SAFE

DO YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS

I FOLLOW THAT GIRL YOU TALK TO A LOT

AND I LOVE THAT SHOW

AND I LOVE HELPING PEOPLE 

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT

NEED SOME HELP”

And I did. I needed the help. Desperately. 

I COULDNT SEE A WAY OUT

A WAY OUT OF THE LIFE

MY FATHER AND HIS FATHER AND THE FATHER

HAD CARVED UP FOR ME

I COULDNT SEE

I LET HIM IN

I LET IT HAPPEN

AGAIN AND AGAIN

YEARS LATER!

“I’M SORRY YOUR DAD IS SO AWFUL

WHEN YOU TURN EIGHTEEN

I WANT YOU TO COME LIVE WITH ME

I CAN MAKE THINGS EASIER 

I CAN BE EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED

I CAN HEAL YOU

JUST SAY THE WORD

WHEN YOU TURN EIGHTEEN 

WELL

MAYBE SOONER IF YOU KNOW THE RIGHT THINGS TO SAY

THE RIGHT THINGS TO TELL YOUR PARENTS 

I KNOW THEY DONT LOVE YOU

I KNOW NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU

I KNOW IT SICKENS YOU TO SEE

THE PAIN YOU WENT THROUGH 

PLASTERED OVER EVERY WALL

IN A SEA OF BADLY DRAWN CRAYON DOODLES

ABOUT THAT KID YOU USED TO PROJECT ONTO

AND THAT DEMON WHO HURT HIM

AND THE DEMONS WHO HURT YOU

WILL NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN

COME LIVE WITH ME

COME LIVE WITH ME

COME LIVE WITH ME

I WON’T LET THOSE SHIPS

COME ACROSS YOUR TIMELINE ANYMORE

I WILL BLOCK THEM OUT WITH MY MIND

THE POWERS I HAD IN MY PAST LIFE

AS A VAMPIRE IN THAT SHOW WE USED TO WATCH

I WILL BLOCK THEM OUT WITH MY MIND

I WILL BLOCK ANYONE WHO BLOCKS YOU

I AM SAFER THAN ANYONE ELSE

I WOULD SUFFOCATE IF YOU EVER BLOCKED ME

I MEAN PLASTIC BAG OVER THE HEAD AND ALL

TIED TIGHT

TIGHT

I WOULD GO INTO THE SEA FOR YOU”

Then she came along. She was beautiful. Way more beautiful than me. Like, crazy beautiful. Too mature for me, even if we were basically the same age. 

“I DIDNT WANT TO SAY ANYTHING 

BUT LUCAS TOLD ME THAT JAMIE

TRIED TO SEND HIM NUDES

EVEN THOUGH HE SWORE THEY WOULD WAIT UNTIL LUCAS WAS EIGHTEEN AND—-“

I promise I’m getting to the point, there really is a point here—-

“I DONT THINK YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM ANYMORE

I DONT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS FROM YOU

BUT I KNOW IT ISNT GOOD

AND I AM STARTING TO THINK THAT THIS

ISNT GOOD EITHER

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU

I WANT YOU

BUT WANTING IS NEVER ENOUGH 

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT LUCAS”

We watched an episode of television together and she started talking about the two brothers and how they were totally in love. But they’re brothers, I said. I hoped she wasn’t one of those people, because then we couldn’t be together. All my friends would hate me. The friends who never called, never texted, never reblogged from me. 

AS THE YEARS PASSED I STARTED TO REMEMBER

MORE AND MORE

MORE AND MORE

WORSE AND WORSE THINGS

WORSE

THAN I COULD EVER HAVE PREVIOUSLY IMAGINED

SO I KEPT TYPING

I KEPT SCREAMING

THRASHING AROUND IN PAIN

DENYING MY OWN DESIRE

FOR FREEDOM

CLIPPING MY OWN WINGS

SNIPPING MY OWN ACHILLES

RIPPING THE THINGS

JAMIE GOT ME FOR MY FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY

“THEYRE TOTALLY FATHER AND DAUGHTER CODED

IF YOU SHIP THEM YOUR GAY CARD IS OFFICIALLY REVOKED

HA HA HA

HA HA HA

HA HA HA”

But then the new season of that show came out. The superhero one, with all the movies that go along with it that suck really bad. And I saw what I couldn’t ignore.

THEY WERE IN LOVE

THEY WERE IN LOVE

A CHANGING

MANGLING

STRANGLING

GIGGLING-LIKE-A-MANIAC LOVE

HARMLESS

A HARMLESS ONE

I MADE SURE OF THAT

I MADE SURE OF IT

I WENT THROUGH EVERY COMIC TO MAKE SURE I WASNT BAD

FROM THE SIXTIES TO THE TENS

I WATCHED EVERY MOVIE

I SKIMMED EVERY NOVEL 

I WASNT BAD

BUT I MISSED IT

A CRUCIAL, VITAL DETAIL

SMALL ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO MISS

AND BEFORE I KNEW IT

BEFORE THE NEXT BORN BABY

COULD TAKE ITS FIRST BREATH

I DESERVED TO DIE

I DESERVED TO DIE

I DESERVED IT 

BLOCKED

BLOCKED

ALONE

I never had any friends at school, and after I graduated I became a bit of an agoraphobe. So these were my only friends.

BLOCKED

BLOCKED

ALONE

It took me years to get it all back. To build everything back up from the dirt it had been reduced to. To siphon the shells out of the sand of my city. To overthrow the governing body of my body.

I’M SO GLAD I MET YOU

EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS FANDOM IS DISGUSTING

AN 18 YEAR OLD AND A THIRTY YEAR OLD FUCKING? DIE

GET RAPED

DIE

IT IS DESERVED WHEN I SAY SO

AND RESERVED ONLY FOR THE BAD ONES

WHO ARENT GRATEFUL ENOUGH TO BE AWAY FROM THE TRAUMA

OR MAYBE NOT LUCKY ENOUGH 

BUT DEFINITELY NOT ENOUGH FOR ANYONE AT ALL

WHO COULD LOVE SOMEONE LIKE THAT?

I AM SAFE

I AM THE SAFE ONE

YES

YES, I KNOW

IVE SEEN HOW WEIRD PEOPLE CAN BE

IVE LIVED IT

I HAVE PUPPET SHOWED IT AT THE LOCAL LIBRARY

I HAVE PERFORMED IT USING THE SHADOWS ON THE WALL

TO ROCK MY BABY COUSIN TO SLEEP

TO PRESERVE HER INNOCENCE

I HAVE EATEN THE REPRESENTATION

OF ALL EVIL INTERACTIONS WITH FICTION

I HAVE SWALLOWED IT RIGHT DOWN

I HAVE COUGHED UP THE LITTLE INFRACTION BONES 

THE FRAME OF THE DISEASE

THE FOUNDATION OF THE BELIEF THAT SAYS IT IS OKAY TO VIOLATE OTHERS

IF YOU WRITE ABOUT IT PRETTY ENOUGH 

I HAVE COUGHED IT UP FOR THE PASTOR TO WITNESS

AND DECIDE WHAT MY FATE CAN BE

WHAT MY IQ IS

WHAT I WILL BE WHEN I GROW UP

I HAVENT HEARD BACK FROM HIM YET

I HOPE HE DOESNT GET ANNOYED BY ME

I HOPE HE DOESNT HATE ME

I HOPE GOD DOESNT TELL HIM

I STILL SHIPPED THE TWO GIRLS TOGETHER WHEN I WAS 11

YES 

EVEN AFTER I FOUND OUT THEY WERE SISTERS

AM I GOING TO DIE SOON

I kept watching people in my friend group die off one by one. No, they weren’t actually dead, so to speak, but they might as well have been, and you certainly would’ve been too if you interacted with them ever again. It was like waves of a blast spreading destruction across a city. Or you know how sometimes you exercise too much but you don’t realize you overexerted yourself until the next day comes and your muscles are in agony? It felt like that and a bomb and a flu symptom and being buried alive and being held captive and like nothing at all, all at once. It was terrifying and it was numbing. 

I HAD SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR

I HAD A PURPOSE

A GOLDEN PURPOSE

ONE I COULD PUT ON A COLLEGE APPLICATION IF I EVER GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER 

NINE YEARS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE IN THE AREA OF PROTECTING CONCEPTS FROM HARM

SHIELDING MERE IDEAS FROM ABUSE

SO THAT NO ONE CAN EVER TOUCH THEM

IN THE WAY I TOUCHED THEM

I WAS RIGHT

I WAS RIGHT

I THINK THEY’RE COMING FOR ME NEXT

IF I DONT SHOW UP HERE AGAIN DONT WORRY

BUT YOU MIGHT STILL WANT TO DO A WELLNESS CHECK AT MY APARTMENT

JUST IN CASE